1. If he's cursed, eat a whole bushel of apples in front of him
2. Offer him one.
3. If he's not cursed, hide his apples
4. Call him Hector
5. Ask him why he doesn't have red hair like the others (see author comments)
6. Get a pet monkey and name it Hector
7. Mutiny against him
8. Shove the fact that Elizabeth is Pirate King in his face
9. Braid his beard when he's sleeping
10. Get a bigger spyglass than him, and name yourself Captain because of it. Start ordering "your" crew around in front of him, and say "Belay that!" everytime he tries to counter your orders.
11.(if yer really bold!)-- Call him Barbie.